How My Life Ended

How my “real” life ended

19 12 2007

As a child, my family went in and out of activity in the church. My mom made my little sister  andI go to church while the rest of the family stayed home. I hated that. It caused me to notice that people looked down on me. My father was “Mexican” although his family has been in the US longer than any “white” family. He speaks perfect english, no accent. Anyway, I am sure that has something to with the way people treated me like … less than they. When 10, we moved to a new state. We had no money. It took a while to get back on our feet. My family went to church together and I felt very safe and secure. I associate that time in my life as a time of love. I heard my dad bear his testimony in church and it affected me.  Christmas that year, though meager was my favorite of all time.  I think that was the roots of my future testimony.  Family was important to me and would always be.  Later, I had my few moments ever of hatred toward my mom when I was 12-13 as she forced me to bum a ride with others to church when I did not want to go.   About that time though, I realized that I had a social life at church and started to feel accepted, finally. At 14, I actually felt my first testimony. It was very strong and to this day, feel that year was my most perfect. I refused to gossip, I read scriptures every day, I started to pray regularly,and I had no real “issues”. They started creeping in after. 

I was very active through my high school years as my family’s activity drifted in and out, mostly out.  I would visit my friend’s homes and started borrowing my fantasy of the perfect family from bits and pieces of each one and I knew that my family did not fit that image.  I tried to get my family to fit the picture.  I was always the one to ask if we could have family prayer.  If my dad consented, he always made me say it.  I would ask to have family home evening but could never get that one to fly.  I do not know how many times I cried myself to sleep worrying about my the salvation of my family.  I wanted a Celestial Family so bad.  It was a hard time for me and after years of trying so hard but seeing no results, I think I finally resolved that my Celestial Family would have to start when I got married. 

I wanted to get married so badly.  I got engaged at 16 because I wanted it so much.  However, I knew it was going to take a special man to make my Celestial Family dream come true.  Even though only 16, I figured out that this man was not the one.  I broke up and moved on.  I had other boyfriends but they did not fit either.  By age 20, I think I was depressed.  I remember in college crying myself to sleep with a prayer in my heart that God just take my life then rather than leave me an unmarried woman my whole life.  I knew I could have married, that was not the problem, I had to marry a righteous man.  Enter, my husband. 

He was not living as he should have been at the time but had made some goals that he would.  He did not go on a mission.  That almost made me stop dating him right then.  I had been told that he was older than he was so and that he did not go on a mission was a disappointment but could be overlooked.  Then when I found out how old he was, I was not going to date him again.  He insisted that there was no way he could go on a mission, I finally gave in and started to let myself love him.  When he first asked me to marry him, I told him “no” because I did not think he was the man I needed to make my dream come true.  He asked me what kind of man I needed and each item I explained to him, he answered, “I can be that man.”  One day, we were having an issue…about church, and I was crying because I knew I had to move on because I was too afraid he was not going to be able to deliver.  At that moment, I looked up and felt sunshine all around him as he stood over me.  As if there had been a dark cloud following me around for years, I could almost see that dark cloud burst into pieces and fall down around him and the sun came out. 

I took that as a sign and consented to marry him.   I never regreted that decision for about 20 years.  We had a perfect family, a perfect marriage, a perfect church life.  We had my Celestial Family!!!!

He was called to 2nd Counselor in the Bishopric.  Things started to fall apart in about 2-3 years.  The timeline gets fuzzy for me, I think because it has been so traumatic for me.  Anyway, he quit one day while I was at girl’s camp.  I came home to a life that was no longer mine.  

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