My Life Exploded

 I cried almost non-stop for about 3 days.  Hubby was very loving and assured me that he would do what it took to make sure his decision would not hurt the family, even if it meant that he would have to leave.  (As if that would not hurt).  We did not explain to the children what was going on.  However, I was so hurt and utterly afraid.  I am not sure what he meant when he told me he would do whatever it took to make sure he would not hurt us when I was hurting so much.  If he really meant it, then why do this at all?  I could not shake the idea that I was going to have to leave him because how could I continue on raising my family as I had with a man that was not going to play the game anymore. 

I prayed continuously about it, looking for answers and comfort.  I got comfort on occasion but never any answers.  Overall, the feeling was, “don’t worry about it,” which did not make sense.  How do you not worry about your whole eternity.  I had learned to live my life as though every decision I made or action I took had eternal consequences and now, this important detail of having a celestial family was slipping away from me.  At first, he still went to church with us but as time went on, this stopped.  The other members in the ward would ask me what happened.  How do you explain it?  I tried to minimize the situation.  I heard that many ward member’s testimonies suffered also because of hubby being released.  Some could not understand how this could happen to a stalwart leader like him and others just knew it had to be because of some enormous sin and that there was more to the story than was being told.

The thought came to me many times that I was going to have to divorce this apostate.  Each time I would think that it was time, I would fast and pray about it.  EVERY time, I had a distinct feeling that I should not.  Hubby’s loving, “willing to do anything to not hurt us” attitude had changed and I sensed he actually hated me / blamed me as part of the problem.  This went on for about 2 years.  One time, I was very seriously thinking about divorce and I started fasting and praying continuously when my child had an overnight read-a-thon at school.  I had volunteered to be a chaparone.  I took my scriptures and started reading the Book of Mormon, finally determined to read it by the end of the year, which the prophet had admonished us to do, but I had been too hurt to do it.  We would take breaks from reading every hour or so and one of the other mothers, whom I did not know, started telling me about the book she was reading.  She was reading a book about the devastation divorce causes children.  I could not believe what a coincidence it was. The effects that divorce has on children was overwhelming to me and farther reaching than I had ever imagined.   

I also found that there was a phrase that I would hear over and over again every where I went  from various people in various circumstances that I took as  secret code words from God that I should stick it out.  “Just love him.”    Sometimes it was so hard to hear these words when I felt so hated by hubby and wanted/needed to get out.

In the meantime, I would get up each day, put on a happy face, get the kids to school, come home, fall down on the floor somewhere between the front door and my bedroom, occasionally making it to the bed but often not, and sobbing in anguish for hours and hours until finally, it was time to clean up, put on a brave face again and go get the kids from school.   That was my life.