I am confused. Believing in the gospel is the root of my pain. It would be easier to believe that there is only heaven and hell. I think I could make it into heaven, no problem. I am not a bad person. The church teaches that there are different degrees of glory so it is not clear cut…good goes to heaven, bad goes to hell. Instead, we have to worry about how good we are, are we good enough? There is never a good enough, no matter how hard we try, is it good enough for the best? It is all confusing and discouraging.
Then, add to that a husband that suddenly turns his back on what you believe, what he used to believe, what you have always wanted and worked for. That is so unfair. The greatest blessing God can give us for lives well lived is to have an eternal marriage. It would be easier to come right out and say eternal marriage may not mean eternal with the mate you have in this life. They teach us that though. We can be together forever. One bishopric member, on his turn to conduct testimony meeting each time would say that he could not imagine not being with his wife for eternity. That heaven would be hell without his wife and kids and how great the gospel was to provide us the way to obtain that blessing. What about those of us who, through no control of our own, suddenly end up with a spouse that no longer believes. They no longer do ALL the things we were taught we need to do to hope that it is good enough; but alway wondering if it is not enough. The church has no place for us. We do not fit in and there is no explanation for what happens to us. I think we go to hell. I think that living, knowing that we are not “making it” is hell. I wish I did not care. I think there are plenty of people that do not care or give any thought, ever, about what is going to happen to them. I have always cared. I have always worried about it and made choice after choice based upon my hopes of being exalted even if it meant discomfort now or great sacrifice now of the things I wanted now. I saw a saying in my teens that said, “Think Eternally!” That made such an impression on me. I worked and worked to learn to always make choices that would mean more in the next life than now.
I have always wanted to go to heaven. I dont want to go to hell. If there are degress of heaven, then I want to go to the best degee. How do you decide that it is ok to settle for less? I wish I could. I wish I could disregard all thought of eternity and just live this life. It would be so easy. I am a good person. Even if I did take no thought for the “future”, I would never knowingly harm anyone, be dishonest, etc. But, I have been concerned for my eternal salvation since I was about 12. I don’t know how not to think about it. I wish I could turn it off. That is why I want to “cease to exist”. I want God to turn me off. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of hurting, crying, hoping, losing hope, feeling helpless. I wish life was not eternal. I envy those that do not believe in life after death. That would be such a relief. Lights go out.
