My visiting teachers just left. I think the lesson should have given me hope but I just felt scared by it.
Divine Nature. I am a daughter of God. Ok, Then they went on to talk about how as a daughter of God, I am entitled to great blessings of honor and glory and exaltation. I just can’t find the way to believe that it applies to me anymore. I just don’t fit the mold anymore.
A friend was trying to encourage me a while ago and said something like “because of my greater struggles, I will have even greater blessings. I got really upset at that. If the greatest blessing is to have our companion for eternity, then how does losing mine entitle me for something better? What is better? If that is the greatest reward the Lord has to offer us, where do I fit in? I was so angry with this friend for saying something so utterly stupid.. I know he did not mean to sound so stupid but it really was.
If there are quantifying options, then why aren’t we told what they are? All we have been given is that there are different levels in different kingdoms and only the exalted, only the most righteous, married people will be exalted. The rest will be alone. There will be some that make it to the Celestial Kingdom but will not be exalted. They will be ministering angels to the exalted. I believe that is the best I can hope for but why? Through no fault of my own, I am disqualified for exaltation. I have no hope of being with my companion for eternity because of his choices, not mine. How is that fair? How is that just? How am I supposed to look forward to anything enough to motivate me to carry on? How does being some exalted person’s servant supposed to enspire me to go above and beyond my carnal nature?
I was feeling pretty good the past few months. I have been able to get this off my mind and have more hope and faith in the atonement for a long time. How does a lesson end up designed to put me back in my dark place?
