I’ve had ups and downs. the constant is that I can’t bring myself to believe that I will be exalted anymore. I think maybe it is getting easier as time goes by to accept it.
I still notice the Lord tempering my agony. When things start to feel the darkest, I forget all about or I wake up and feel unable to evoke any emotion. I am in an almost catatonic state. It lasts for days up to months. I wonder how long this can go on. It is nice when it works but when I crash, it seems to get worse each time. I am afraid that it will someday crash so bad that I will kill myself. I wont let that happen. I do still find myself begging God to destroy me though. I would still rather cease to exist than not be exalted. If I understood what the alternatives were, I might be able to get over this desire to just end, but my understanding is that it either exaltation or bust. I cant bear what I imagine the alternatives to be. I also pray that God will show me a more uplifting image of what my end product will be so I wont feel so much dread. That is not happening. I get nothing from Him but catatonic moods. I guess that is better than nothing.
