A Good Talk

Hubby and I had a talk today. I was finally able to make him understand how I am feeling. I think.

I was describing it and he said, “I changed the contract.”
Yes! That is it. We got married and lived 20 years “OUR” way then he changed the contract and took off “His” way. I have struggled with his decision ever since. He said if he didn’t, he would be crazy or suicidal now. I told him that his change left me crazy and suicidal now. I dont think we changed anything but I feel like he at least understands what I am going through.

The church is either true, or there is no God. I cant see a middle ground. Right now, I am feeling like the church is not true. That leaves me feeling scared. I dont want to give up on God but I think he has already done it for me. I think his silence over the years is evidence that he does not exist or he doesnt care about me anymore. All the stuff about not pushing us past our ability to withstand is bull. I broke long ago and the crap still gets deeper. Believing in God is supposed to lighten our burdens. It piles more on to me. I think believing in God is a way for us to explain or control what we have no control over or explanations for.

I have been here before. I decided long ago that there was no God and before I knew it, I was saying private prayers without even realizing it. I probably always will. I cant help but feel though, that God would not let me agonize the way he has. Not the God Iknew. If he were there and if he was the God I always believed in, the one the church teaches about, he would not leave me in this hour of greatest need.

I fear now that I will successfully kill myself. Believing that life goes on keeps me from doing it. If life goes on, dying wont make me feel better. If there is no God, then dying will be a release. I can cease to exist. I have been begging God to destroy my soul. Punish me for my wickedness by destroying me completely and/or reward whatever goodness I have with mercy to let me go and end this agony.