I really thought things could not get worse. I felt like I was doomed to spend eternity alone or at least, with a lesser reward. I make due with each day and actually find happiness in each day. I have bad days but mostly, I am determined to be happy and I am.

I found out yesterday that my husband has been having an online affair. I cannot believe how hurt I am. There is only one other time in my life that I think the pain can compare and that is when I used to fall on the floor and sob for hours a day. I’ve written about that before.

My life is shattered again. The lonliness is overwhelming and devastaing. The involuntary physical reations are suffocating and uncontrollable.  I start shaking, I get nauseous, my knees start to collapse and I cry heaving convulsions. 

Emotionally, I feel like darkness had overshadowed me. I am lost and alone. My heart is broken and it hurts more than I can bear.

Spiritually, I am dead. How can God let this happen after all I’ve been through? Why does he hide from me?

Why do others say he will not allow us to suffer beyond what we can bear. I was broke already and now this.

My only support, my only love, my only friend, my only safety was broken before but now has vanished in a black vapor. Just a puff of smoke. I have no one anymore, every again, not even God is there to look to. I do but he is not there. He does not care about me or what I am suffering.

I am so hurt. I am so pathetic. I am so alone. Forever alone. PLEASE GOD!  Turn me off! Please turn off this pain. Turn off my thoughts, my agony, my fears, my lonliness, my pathetic waste of a soul. Please have mercy on me and turn me off!  Please, please, please.