Lately, my thoughts have been a little angry toward the church. From what I’ve read, it is normal. Leaving is a sort of mourning process because it is such a major part of life before leaving. At least for someone like me who really did have a strong testimony and never doubted…, never allowed myself to doubt it.
The church is like some symbiotic relationship. We weave it into our brains as well as our hearts so that we think we can no longer live without it.
That is what makes it so hard to leave it.
The church has answers! I am not saying they are the right answers but they have fairly plausible answers to life’s toughest questions so it is appealing to our human souls.
Then the answers that are too hard, they have plausible excuses or catch-phrases to basically guilt you into to not asking those hard questions anymore… even to the point of threatening your eternal salvation if you think about something harder to explain than they have come up with.
“We don’t know that answer, or
God has chosen not to reveal that to us at this time,
(even though oursalvation hinges on that answer, he doesn’t want us to know), or
“Isn’t it wonderful to know that God is at the helm
and even though we don’t know that answer,
he does?”
Then, there is the whole…, criticism is the first step to apostasy. I guess they are right because when I criticized Joseph Smith for sleeping with married women, even though he preached the sanctity of eternal marriages, telling these women he was told by God that they should be HIS spiritual wives, but told them to stay married to their husbands, (what eternal marriages were their husbands to have?) and he excommunicated the men and women if the wife wouldn’t go along with it and she told her husband…… yes, I couldn’t reconcile that and look at me now. I am an apostate!
I criticized the local leaders when they tried to get my husband into their “club” and he told them he thought it was wrong. He said that being a leader meant holding yourself to an even higher standard and being the greater servant. It didn’t mean you had more privileges and that living the gospel no longer mattered. They systematically drove him out, started questioning him to members of the ward, criticize him, started piling on the callings to burn him out, called me into their offices on multiple occasions to”plant seeds of doubt” in my mind of his fidelity, his testimony, etc.
“Sister, we are worried about your hubby.
Do you know if there is anything amiss in his life?
Is it possible he might be having an affair?
Is it possible he might be attracted to men?
What do you think he has done to lead him down this path?”
First, I knew my hubby and flat out denied there could even the slightest possibility of anything like that. I didn’t see what they were doing at first. I actually believed they were concerned for his salvation. He wasn’t doing anything but trying to teach the gospel along with the principle of integrity to them and the ward.
I thought they cared about me and how I was feeling. I was feeling confused and left by the lord. I thought the lord had thrown me away and I hadn’t done anything to warrant such hard punishment. I’d go in thinking they would help me find answers but the entire interview ultimately turned into an interrogation about my hubby. (I felt even more abandoned).
Well, it is true, criticizing church leaders will lead to apostasy, that is why it is not tolerated in the church. It does not matter how heinous the crime a Bishop commits, molesting children, using his position to have affairs, or just setting yourself up to enjoy unrighteous privileges, it is a greater sin to say, “Hey, that isn’t right!” than the sin the Bishop (or any leader) is committing.
It is also a sin to ask for real truth as well. Do not “Google” Joseph smith and his “plural marriages” because you will find actual journal entries of women he seduced, –already married women, –pre-teen girls, etc. You will find things that the church has taken great pains to hide from it’s members. They don’t have the ability to bully and brainwash the rest of the world but it’s members are strongly cautioned not to delve into information that would weaken their testimony…even if it is really true! Every once in a while, something comes out in the media and the church scrambles to tell it’s members not to read it or listen because it will only plant seeds of doubt. Well, if it is true… why not just speak truth and let the people make up their own minds?
An institute class recently was studying the roots of the plural marriage issue in the church. One student researched farther. He found the truth about Joseph Smith’s actions regarding his “spiritual marriages” to women, regardless of their age and current marital status. He found info on how Joseph Smith told the School of Prophets how one man’s wife, in particular was very good in bed and he had a hard time staying away from her. One of the other men said he felt it was inappropriate to talk about such things in their meetings and he was excommunicated.
This institute student brought the info into class and the teacher couldn’t explain it so went to his leaders, was told to steer the students away from doing such research. The word spread higher and the whole class was called under condemnation was warned their memberships were in jeopardy… all for asking a few questions that went beyond what the church puts out in their manuals.
I am an apostate! I no longer believe it to be true. It may have some answers that can make you feel better about life’s journey, but the rest is oppressive and manipulative. It controls it’s members with fear, fear to leave but I have now found a better relationship with God, a relationship that is based on love and trust and faith, not fear. Finding the strength, finally overcoming the fear of distancing myself and to walk away was the best thing I have ever done to bring me closer to God.
