I really thought things could not get worse. I felt like I was doomed to spend eternity alone or at least, with a lesser reward. I make due with each day and actually find happiness in each day. I have bad days but mostly, I am determined to be happy and I am.
I found out [...]

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Conflicting Doctrine

I typically don’t really care if anyone reads this blog. It is for my own sanity. But this topic is one that I wish I could get answers to. I think the church teaches conflicting doctrine. We say we are Christian and that Christ’s message is the most important part of the church. However, here [...]

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Sleepwalking

I am not happy with myself lately. I haven’t been doing anything to improve myself lately and I have even slipped back on a few things that I used to have overcome. It is discouraging. I know why it happened.  My state of not being able to care or it would hurt too bad has made [...]

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A New Hope

I was in a spiritual meeting and doing the same old, trying not to care thing I do to protect myself. Too often, when I actually try and get something out of a speaker at church or fireside, etc, it just ends up reminding me of what I have lost.
I wasn’t paying attention very well [...]

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Alone

My daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. None of my first family is coming. My dad wont come, my brother who lives the closest wont come. My dad has traveled to Washington state and Californina to visit my sister and my brother. My other brother lives near him and he visits him [...]

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Getting by

This last week had been really weird. I feel dead inside but I don’t really feel like I want to cease to exist. I have been pondering the state of things, the meaning of life, God, happiness.
I have so much to be happy about. I should be happy. I spoil it with too many “what [...]

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A Good Talk

Hubby and I had a talk today. I was finally able to make him understand how I am feeling. I think.
I was describing it and he said, “I changed the contract.”
Yes! That is it. We got married and lived 20 years “OUR” way then he changed the contract and took off “His” way. I have [...]

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Time

I’ve had ups and downs. the constant is that I can’t bring myself to believe that I will be exalted anymore. I think maybe it is getting easier as time goes by to accept it.
I still notice the Lord tempering my agony. When things start to feel the darkest, I forget all about or I [...]

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Rewards or Consequences

God has not given us enough answers.  We know what will happen to the most righteous.  They will be eternal companions, they will be exalted.  We know that the sons of perdition will be cast into outer darkness for eternity.   We know there are three kingdoms and varying degrees within those kingdoms.  What we dont [...]

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Another Nail

I have finally had to come to realize that the reason God has not made any attempts to help me through this is because I am a lost cause.  All my fears and concerns are meaningless because they all asssume that I am worth saving.   I bought into the idea that the church teaches that [...]

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