What did I do wrong?

Promises, Promises

I mentioned before that when my hubby asked me to marry him, I told him, “no.” 

He was not the man I needed to make my dreams come true.   My dreams included being a very stong, righteous family,  Active in the church.  He said he could do that and we had very long discussions for the next few weeks about it.  He would ask what kind of man I wanted and he kept telling me he could do that, he could be that.  I kept trying to tell him that the man I wanted would already be that man but he kept insisting that it was not too late.  The thing is, I started to believe him.  I had this strong feeling inside that I could believe anything he told me.  I was confused.  I was afraid.  I wanted this to be it, but…   I had grown up in a very non-Mormon town where I had witnessed so many girls baptize their boyfriends, get married only to have their husbands stop going to church within a short time, leaving these girls stuck with these guys and their kids in limbo.  I did not want to end up like that.  I knew it, and God knew it. 

He showed me a list.  It was a list of goals he had made just before he met me.  I don’t remember all the goals now but one was “to meet a nice girl” and another was, “start going to church.”  That impressed me, then I still had this nagging voice inside me, telling me to believe him.  I told several friends that I had this feeling that if he promised me he would lasso the moon, he would not stop until he did it.  I was just learning about integrity at that point of my life but I recognized it in him.  Then as I described in another post, I had a revelation.  I saw darkness break into pieces and fall down around him and the sun came out and I felt peace like I had never known.  I married this man and we began our journey as exactly the family I had always wanted. 

In the beginning, I thought I was the more knowledgable one.  I felt like I was the “righteous leader” of the home, but it did not take long at all before he made it clear to me, by his actions, that he was a worthy priesthood holder and was more than capable of leading my family through the fire into the Celestial kingdom.  I even felt some resentment that he had more integrity than I at times.  I felt safe and secure with him.  We had a perfect family.  I always had people in the wards we lived in tell me how much they admired my hubby.  One Relief Society President told me as my hubby was the Elder’s Quorum President, that she could not do her job if it weren’t for my hubby because she knew that whatever he said he would do, she knew it would get done.  She really counted on him with trust and reliability.  She was not the only one.  I had countless people tell me through the years how much integrity he had and what a hard worker he was.   That was icing on the cake for me.  I loved being the woman married to the most admired man.  We both held many high level callings through out the years.  Always presidents or members of the presidency.  We both worked hard and took these callings seriously.  We had family prayer morning and night…every morning and night plus at meals and special occasions.  We went to church faithfully, not being able to leave our own ward for all the family things that so many members do.  Hubby felt like he could not be gone every other week for every baby blessing or farewell, etc when he had made a commitment to God to do the callings we had been called to do.  We had family home evening every week.  If one could not make it for those occasional times, that person would know and take comfort that the family went on with it and it would be there again next week.  We ate meals together every night, enjoyed each other’s company, and loved each other very much.  I don’t know the definition of a perfect family if that is not it. 

Our children were all born leaders.  They always held leadership positions in school and church.  One daughter figured out that she was not in a Young Women leadership for only 2 months in the 6 years of YW.  We would have them conduct family home evenings, teach lessons, make refreshments, etc.  We had family counsels and taught them how to lead a discussion and make decisions and delegate responsibility.  They were all hard workers because of the work ethic hubby had instilled in them. 

So, after 20 years of a perfect life, it was all ripped out from under me.  I can’t help but ask myself, “How did I end up here?” 
What did I do wrong? 

Comfort, Where can I find it?

I continued to read my scriptures.  We continued to read together as a family, minus hubby almost every morning.  We still tried to have family home evenings but eventually that started to become so awkward.  Eventually, the only thing we could comfortably do was watch Antique Roadshow together.  The kids would try to talk to me about how they missed our old family home evenings and all I could say was that this was the best we could get right now so be happy that we can still call it family home evening. 

When the kids would get off to school and I would finally find myself alone, I would get out my scriptures, kneel down and pray that they would help me find comfort.  I would start reading and it seemed like every scripture said something about being damned, repent ye vile sinner, hell and damnation.  I kept asking myself, what have I done that is so awful that the message is a call to repentance.  I knew I was not perfect in any sense but I was trying fanatically.  I could not imagine that I was much worse than anyone else I knew.  I tryed to turn to my patriarchal blessing,  it seemed to be completely null and void.  I wondered how that could be.  Every thing in it except maybe my lineage seemed to not apply anymore.  It  says that I will be a light to my generation.  I had always tried to live as an example.  Growing up out of Utah gave me a heightened sense that others were always watching and judging the church by my own action and I took that responsibility seriously.  Now, how could I be a light when I was engulfed by darkness.  Now I was the “poor woman with the inactive husband.”  People in the ward that knew us, knew what we had been were shocked about what was happening.  Many people would ask me what happened, what had hubby done for this to happen, the bishop told me that people asked him often for an explantion.  He asked me a couple of times what hubby could have done to fall so hard.  None of it made sense to him so the only way he could explain it was to assume that he had done something bad.    A man of my hubby’s stature could not walk away unless he had committed some awful sin.  I often had that question myself but I knew my hubby and I had the Lord telling me to “Just love him” and to stay with him. 

I went from being looked up to to being pitied.  Church was agonizing for me.  I went for my kids but I cried the whole time I was there.  Every talked and lesson seemed to be focused on eternal families.  I finally asked to be released from my lame-duck enrichment leader calling and could not take on another calling at that time.  I did not know how I could teach and bear testimony of things that did not apply to me anymore.  I stopped reading scriptures because I could not bear the constant chastisement they gave me.  Each time I would resolve to start reading them again, it was the same thing. There was no comfort in them anymore.  I had built my testimony and my life around my love of the scriptures and now they were my enemy.   I decided that I needed to go the temple.  I had not been since it all began so I went with a new found hope.  Iwas looking for comfort and solace.  I got my “new-name” and it was the same name that I had when I did my own endowment.  The last time I had had that name, my husband-to-be  is the one that pulled me through the veil.  It was tne night before we were sealed in the temple for time and all eternity.  By the time I made it up the stairs, I was ready to collapse.  I had come to the temple to find answers and peace and instead, I got a slap in the face!  I felt that God was rubbing my pain in my face.  It was proof that I was alone.  That I no longer had an eternal companion.  I sobbed for probably 15 minutes before I could enter the chapel.  A patron handed me a kleenex but that was all anyone did to help me.  I finally pulled it together and entered and did the session.  Once in the Celestial room, I broke down again.  I cried for a very long time.   I did not want to go home.  I did not want to live.  I wanted to die and I begged and pleaded that the Lord would take me right there.  He did not.

After a very long time, I dont know how long, I finally dragged myself out and went  home. I never returned again for  2-3  years.

The Solution?

I felt betrayed by my husband and by God. For the first few years I tried the usual methods of finding answers and comfort. I continued to read scriptures, something I had always done. I prayed, went to church, did my calling the best I could. I was now the Enrichment Leader working under a control freak. I never got to make decisions, every idea I had was overriden. I felt like the 2nd counselor’s personal assisstant. She would call me and dole out my assignments for Enrichment meetings as if I were nothing more than a go-fer. I had done this calling so many times before and had been the 2nd Counselor myself, I knew what I was supposed to do but my hands were tied. I did this for probably 2 years before I finally asked to be released with the new Bishop’s understanding. He always tried to assure me of how much my years of dedicated service had meant to the ward. I was glad he noticed enough to bring it up but it did not make me feel needed or even wanted now.
I was told that the solution to my problem would be found if I read my scriptures and said my prayers, went to church, etc. I wondered how the solution was not the prevention. I was doing it all when this happened to me. Why did it not protect me?

Thrown Out With the Trash

Thown out with the trash

This was a miserable time for me.  It was bad enough that my rock, my hubby, was struggling with his faith.  He was angry and hurt by things that he did not fully describe to me.  He did tell me things and I can’t believe they happened although, I am sure they did.  That made it hard for me.  He had always been so full of integrity.  He was a doer.  If he said he would do something, he would not stop until he delivered.  I had never known him to lie.  I trusted him and now he was telling me things that just could not have happened.  My own testimony was shaken.  However, I had to remain true to what I had learned in my life.  I believed the church was true and that there were reasons for things to happen.  It was a confusing time and my loyalties were divided.  I knew my husband to be a man of integrity and I also knew that God was telling me to stay with him inspite of his impending apostasy.  I was trying to trust God, not  understanding what was in store, trying to be a supportive wife…if I was supposed to stay married, I would have  to learn how to be supportive of things I did not want to support, and none of it made sense to me.  

At the same time, I was a counselor in the Young Women organization.  I always put everything into my callings.  I prayed for direction to do my best and be an instrument in the Lord’s hands.  Our organization was not running well.  The other 2 presidency members were very relaxed in their approach.  They even had an activity (my age group and I were not invited but I had a daughter this age who told me what happened) where they went to a fast food restaurant and ordered food.  Even the girls seemed to know better because they only ordered an ice cream cone each while the leaders ordered full meals and kept trying to get the girls to order more.  They turned in their receipts for this activity for reimbursement.  I just could not figure out what lesson the girls were supposed to learn from this activity.  This is only one example.  None of the activities they planned had any gospel significance.  That is the point of having activities on a weeknight where you take children out of their homes, away from their families.  That is not a good thing to do but letting kids of this age group get together with other kids of their faith and do things that will build their testimonies and faith in God is supposed to counteract the ill-effect of taking them out of their homes and spending time with their family.  If you do provide something of value in return, then I felt it was not a bad thing.  So, I started praying fervently for answers or inspiration.  I was looking for a way that I could be an example to turn things around or if the problem was too big, that God would step in and make sure these girls would have better opportunities to strengthen their faith.  The answer came.

I got word that I was going to be released from this Young Women calling.  I had started my prayer campaign to solve our YW organization problem about 6 weeks earlier and now the Bishop was telling me that I was needed as the enrichment leader…, a calling I had done about 12 times in my married life in some form or other.  He was not releasing any other leader in the presidency, just me.   I could not come to any other conclusion that God had told me that I was the only problem the YW organization was having.   I was devastated.

At this point, I felt as though God had thrown me away.  My biggest problem with hubby’s actions was that I feared that I would no longer have an eternal marriage.  I had asked God, “what happens to me now.”  I never got any answers but the question kept coming up.  What happens to me if, through no fault of my own, I no longer have my eternal companion.  I believed that being exalted, something you can ONLY do if you are MARRIED in the temple and you both are righteous enough to go on into eternity to continue on with your family was the greatest blessing God has to offer us.  I was confused that now, here I am, I did nothing, but my hubby gave up, so now can I still be exalted???  How does that work???  How does God bless me for a righteous life dedicated to Him, without my husband.  If I lived a parallel life to some other righteous woman,  the greatest blessing God could give her would be to exalt her with her husband, yet, inspite of my parallel life to hers but where is the greatest blessing for me? 

When I was young, our ward did the usual Daddy-Daughter Date.   We planned it for several weeks and my leaders asked me if my father would come.   I asked and he said no, so my leaders asked if I wanted a surrogate father for the activity.  Absolutely not!  At that age, it is weird enough that you have to spend a night doing weird activities with your father let alone some strange man.   I got to the activity and found that they had asked a man to come and be my father anyway.  I was horrified and suffered the night in an extremely uncomfortable situation.  I never went to a daddy-daughter activity again. 

So now, here I am, a grown woman, with some grown children, facing the possibility that when I get to heaven, assuming I make it to heaven, and God says, “here you go, Brother So-and-So will be your surrogate husband.”  It sounded horrifying to me.  I said that I would rather go to hell because that sounded like hell to me given my previous experience.  I just could not, can not figure out how that is the greatest reward.  When I felt thrown away, I decided that by asking God that question, I had stumped Him.  I had actually come up with a point that was too valid and had no answer of solution so the only recourse God had was to throw me away. 

My Life Exploded

 I cried almost non-stop for about 3 days.  Hubby was very loving and assured me that he would do what it took to make sure his decision would not hurt the family, even if it meant that he would have to leave.  (As if that would not hurt).  We did not explain to the children what was going on.  However, I was so hurt and utterly afraid.  I am not sure what he meant when he told me he would do whatever it took to make sure he would not hurt us when I was hurting so much.  If he really meant it, then why do this at all?  I could not shake the idea that I was going to have to leave him because how could I continue on raising my family as I had with a man that was not going to play the game anymore. 

I prayed continuously about it, looking for answers and comfort.  I got comfort on occasion but never any answers.  Overall, the feeling was, “don’t worry about it,” which did not make sense.  How do you not worry about your whole eternity.  I had learned to live my life as though every decision I made or action I took had eternal consequences and now, this important detail of having a celestial family was slipping away from me.  At first, he still went to church with us but as time went on, this stopped.  The other members in the ward would ask me what happened.  How do you explain it?  I tried to minimize the situation.  I heard that many ward member’s testimonies suffered also because of hubby being released.  Some could not understand how this could happen to a stalwart leader like him and others just knew it had to be because of some enormous sin and that there was more to the story than was being told.

The thought came to me many times that I was going to have to divorce this apostate.  Each time I would think that it was time, I would fast and pray about it.  EVERY time, I had a distinct feeling that I should not.  Hubby’s loving, “willing to do anything to not hurt us” attitude had changed and I sensed he actually hated me / blamed me as part of the problem.  This went on for about 2 years.  One time, I was very seriously thinking about divorce and I started fasting and praying continuously when my child had an overnight read-a-thon at school.  I had volunteered to be a chaparone.  I took my scriptures and started reading the Book of Mormon, finally determined to read it by the end of the year, which the prophet had admonished us to do, but I had been too hurt to do it.  We would take breaks from reading every hour or so and one of the other mothers, whom I did not know, started telling me about the book she was reading.  She was reading a book about the devastation divorce causes children.  I could not believe what a coincidence it was. The effects that divorce has on children was overwhelming to me and farther reaching than I had ever imagined.   

I also found that there was a phrase that I would hear over and over again every where I went  from various people in various circumstances that I took as  secret code words from God that I should stick it out.  “Just love him.”    Sometimes it was so hard to hear these words when I felt so hated by hubby and wanted/needed to get out.

In the meantime, I would get up each day, put on a happy face, get the kids to school, come home, fall down on the floor somewhere between the front door and my bedroom, occasionally making it to the bed but often not, and sobbing in anguish for hours and hours until finally, it was time to clean up, put on a brave face again and go get the kids from school.   That was my life. 

How My Life Ended

How my “real” life ended

19 12 2007

As a child, my family went in and out of activity in the church. My mom made my little sister  andI go to church while the rest of the family stayed home. I hated that. It caused me to notice that people looked down on me. My father was “Mexican” although his family has been in the US longer than any “white” family. He speaks perfect english, no accent. Anyway, I am sure that has something to with the way people treated me like … less than they. When 10, we moved to a new state. We had no money. It took a while to get back on our feet. My family went to church together and I felt very safe and secure. I associate that time in my life as a time of love. I heard my dad bear his testimony in church and it affected me.  Christmas that year, though meager was my favorite of all time.  I think that was the roots of my future testimony.  Family was important to me and would always be.  Later, I had my few moments ever of hatred toward my mom when I was 12-13 as she forced me to bum a ride with others to church when I did not want to go.   About that time though, I realized that I had a social life at church and started to feel accepted, finally. At 14, I actually felt my first testimony. It was very strong and to this day, feel that year was my most perfect. I refused to gossip, I read scriptures every day, I started to pray regularly,and I had no real “issues”. They started creeping in after. 

I was very active through my high school years as my family’s activity drifted in and out, mostly out.  I would visit my friend’s homes and started borrowing my fantasy of the perfect family from bits and pieces of each one and I knew that my family did not fit that image.  I tried to get my family to fit the picture.  I was always the one to ask if we could have family prayer.  If my dad consented, he always made me say it.  I would ask to have family home evening but could never get that one to fly.  I do not know how many times I cried myself to sleep worrying about my the salvation of my family.  I wanted a Celestial Family so bad.  It was a hard time for me and after years of trying so hard but seeing no results, I think I finally resolved that my Celestial Family would have to start when I got married. 

I wanted to get married so badly.  I got engaged at 16 because I wanted it so much.  However, I knew it was going to take a special man to make my Celestial Family dream come true.  Even though only 16, I figured out that this man was not the one.  I broke up and moved on.  I had other boyfriends but they did not fit either.  By age 20, I think I was depressed.  I remember in college crying myself to sleep with a prayer in my heart that God just take my life then rather than leave me an unmarried woman my whole life.  I knew I could have married, that was not the problem, I had to marry a righteous man.  Enter, my husband. 

He was not living as he should have been at the time but had made some goals that he would.  He did not go on a mission.  That almost made me stop dating him right then.  I had been told that he was older than he was so and that he did not go on a mission was a disappointment but could be overlooked.  Then when I found out how old he was, I was not going to date him again.  He insisted that there was no way he could go on a mission, I finally gave in and started to let myself love him.  When he first asked me to marry him, I told him “no” because I did not think he was the man I needed to make my dream come true.  He asked me what kind of man I needed and each item I explained to him, he answered, “I can be that man.”  One day, we were having an issue…about church, and I was crying because I knew I had to move on because I was too afraid he was not going to be able to deliver.  At that moment, I looked up and felt sunshine all around him as he stood over me.  As if there had been a dark cloud following me around for years, I could almost see that dark cloud burst into pieces and fall down around him and the sun came out. 

I took that as a sign and consented to marry him.   I never regreted that decision for about 20 years.  We had a perfect family, a perfect marriage, a perfect church life.  We had my Celestial Family!!!!

He was called to 2nd Counselor in the Bishopric.  Things started to fall apart in about 2-3 years.  The timeline gets fuzzy for me, I think because it has been so traumatic for me.  Anyway, he quit one day while I was at girl’s camp.  I came home to a life that was no longer mine.  

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Someone to Talk To

I have decided to start a blog.  I am afraid this blog site will end up being a little depressing as I feel the need to do this based upon my feelings of utter loneliness.  There are times that I just feel like I need to talk to someone but I can’t.  I have learned that you can never “un-say” anything.  I never talk about my problems in depth to anyone.  Thus, my own personal, anonymous blog.